Sunday, December 14, 2025

20 Years Ago Today on Xmastime

A NOTE FROM YOUR OL’ PAL XMASTIME:

Celebrate 20 years of Xmastime (YES, twenty years!!!) for the rest of the month with a short trip down Memory Lane as you remark to yourself, "I never woulda thought it even possible to care less about Xmastime than I did when he first started 20 years ago, but here we are."

From December 14, 2025:

The Kool-Aid Kid


Oh, man. Came across this picture a minute ago and can’t stop laughing. Christ, until I was 12 I’m pretty sure I drank Kool-Aid every single day, all day. As proof I had a permanent Kool-Aid stain above my upper lip. The mix of cherry/grape/orange is an interesting color, and does not help you out as much with the ladies as one might think. Of course, at that age I guess I wasn’t thinking of girls, but of…well, Kool-Aid. The spots above and below my lips were an exciting place to be in the early 80’s: not only was the upper spot the home of my Kool-Aid tattoo, but the spot below my bottom lip was permanently gnashed in with my teeth marks. Whenever my brother would anger me (which is constantly when you’re that close in age and pretty much spend every waking moment together), I’d instinctively clamp down on that spot and dig in with my overbite as I charged him. I’d be WHITE HOT with fury as my little-man fists would start wailing; I’d actually sometimes get the better of these fights because my brother would be laughing so hard at how ridiculous I looked, with my teeth clamped down almost on my chin and eyes raging with utter anger. After a few minutes of laughing he’d take care of business, but boy. I must’ve been a sight. I believe I inherited this anger-clampdown method from my mother. Many was the time I’d hafta get an ass-whuppin - I was one of those kids that simply could not go to bed unless I had gotten a spanking that day; as I’m bent over awaiting the sting of leather against my (then) bony ass, I’d make the mistake of looking back at my mother, and SHE’D have that tooth clampdown going on and, like my brother with me, I’d start laughing. Which, of course, would INFURIATE my mother – the one thing in the world you can do to piss of someone giving you an ass-whooping is to start laughing. So instead of getting the ol’ “you fucked up, I gotta spank you, lets get this over with etc” whooping, I’d get the “Is this fucking kid LAUGHING at me while I beat his ass?! Oh, laugh at THIS, motherfucker!!!!” whooping. I never learned – don’t fucking look back!

Saturday, December 13, 2025

I'll Say This

I'd happily subscribe to a podcast for which each episode featured one of the people who happened to be at this pub telling their story.

Wednesday, December 10, 2025

13th UPDATE: You Are Freaking Me Out Now, Apple

NOTE AS OF DECEMBER 10: for the first time yet the apple is starting to change in color, hopefully this will be the last time I gotta do this shit for you people.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I was out of town for a week so I put the apple in the fridge, fearing it would suddenly turn into an worm farm & I'd return to my apartment being turned into Fruit Fly Wormopolis, so I removed those 7 days from the count & things are back to Nuclear Apple Normal for now. You're welcome for my integrity, America!

Nine Eighteen Twenty-seven Thirty-six Forty-five Fifty-four Sixty-three Seventy-six Eighty-five Ninety-four One hundred & four One hundred & thirteen One hundred & twenty-two days ago, One hundred & thirty-nine  One hundred & forty-eight days ago I mentioned how strangely fresh an apple in my fruit bowl was looking:

Ever since Super Size Me first came out everybody wants to push some crazy story about how fake the Big Mac is based on it supposedly never rotting away - "OMG Ben Franklin put a Big Mac on his counter and now just two weeks ago the fucking thing learned how to drive a stick shift!!!" - but meanwhile I bought this apple so many weeks ago I can’t remember when and it looks the exact same as when I bought it. 🤔🤷‍♂️
Here's that apple 148 days ago:

Here's that apple 139 days ago:

Here's that apple 122 days ago:
 
Here's that apple 113 days ago:


Here's that apple 104 days ago:


Here's that apple 95 days ago:


Here's that apple 86 days ago:

 
Here's that apple 77 days ago:

 
Here's that apple 64 days ago:

 
Here's that apple 55 days ago:


Here's that apple 45 days ago:


Here's that apple 37 days ago:


Here's that apple 28 days ago:
 
 
Here's that apple 19 days ago:

 
Here's that apple 9 days ago:

Aaaaaaaaand here's that apple today:


Tuesday, December 09, 2025

BOMBSHELL: Paul McCartney Says the 13 Days with Jimmy Nicol on Drums Will Always Be the Real Beatles to Him


Xmastime True Confessions

The only time I ever allow myself to be openly misogynistic is whenever I find myself wondering if any women friends of mine know how to sew a button onto a shirt.

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime 😔

The answer to The Office chairs/new copier dilemma is easily the new copier; it's more important for immediate business & has no alternative (you can stand or bring in another chair of your own).


 

Sunday, December 07, 2025

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: the only way you can ever get a group to choose a different movie to watch is by saying “fine but I’m gonna talk the entire way through it”; people will quickly dismiss any other objection but the threat of your "hilarious" quips throughout will be too much to bear so eventually they'll find a movie you'll actually want to watch.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Nailed It.

(also feels like life under the Trump administration btw)

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

While doing my laps after another successful Panera Sip Club pickup (I know, Braggy McBraggerson here right???!) I found myself walking past a very, very attractive woman with two dogs, one of which looked like a 200-lb beast while the other seemed to be as small as you could be while still legally being classified as a dog.

Unfortunately for myself, for some reason I’d been thinking about Peter Tinniswood’s classic homage to 1960’s Northern England I Didn’t Know You Cared and was about to unleash the surely-hilarious “these two look like me & my wife!” before I caught myself “wait what the fuck are you doing dumbass, now if you wanna have any potential with this smokeshow who happens to live in your building (and apparently loves dogs!) you’re gonna hafta almost immediately shift to your wife dying suddenly, which I don’t think you have the fucking chutzpah to pull off” so I didn’t say a word & just keep on breezing by.

Saturday, December 06, 2025

THE NEW YORKER Brilliant du Jour


Sometimes I Scare Myself with My Own Genius

Should-be Hold Steady lyric:
"And she said man the real shame about Mike Ness
Is he was never able to rewrite Joey's My-My-Kind of a Girl
And then she puked blue Big Gulp ice all over my Keds"
PREVIOUS HOLD STEADY GENIUS FROM XMASTIME HERE

Oh FFS

You get overwhelmed with the depressing blizzard of news filled with baffling incompetence & willful stupidity every day & then you see something like this and seeing with your own eyes what people are capable of only makes it that much worse.

 

I'll Say This.

The only difference between the Nazis of the 1930s and Republicans today is the Nazis didn't vote for Hitler twice.

Thank You Hostess

For not bothering to pretend I'm not gonna inhale the whole fucking box right now.


 

Building XMAS

Pretty well pleased with my building's efforts for a little Christmas spirit this year. 🤗


 

Brilliant TV Ideas. I Have Them.

From what little ol' moi has picked up on in the years since The Office ended its brilliant run, every person on Earth loves The Office and every actor who was in The Office loves to tell anyone who'll listen how much they miss being on The Office so why can't they put together a show that's the characters watching the PBS documentary, and since every episode has at least one moment which would ENRAGE another character, how hilarious would it be to watch them all react to these moments? This would keep The Office gravy train running, which would please literally everybody we know who exists in the Universe right now.

This guy takes forever to get to the meat of the bone but his 50 Secrets Revealed by the PBS Office Documentary is a great start for this!

Xmas Your Curb or Curb Your Xmas or Whatthehellever

Since we're between seasons of XMAS YOUR ENTHUSIASM feel free to revisit this beyond-classic clip of me talking about every single Curb Your Enthusiasm episode without taking a single breath YOU'RE WELCOME, EARTH!!

Evolution d'Xmastime

I’ve gone from believing in God to being scared to not believe in God to not believing in God to knowing that if God was real I'd tell him I want no part of his shit & he can go fuck himself.