Pornography in Nature du Jour

PORN PILLOWS
Reston, Va 2026

 

Oh Thanks Wegmans...

...for offering us adorable stuffed versions of the animals we’re gonna be buying 2 aisles over next week so we can stuff our faces at Easter dinner.

 

XMASTIME On the Debut of the UK Saturday Night Live

I've only seen two sketches & I really liked both of them (the one below - the first one I saw - had a delightful whiff of Monty Python to it? or maybe I was just looking for it?), and having Tina Fey kick the whole thing off was brilliant, like easing somebody into a tub of warm water, and of course I personally loved Graham Norton speed-checking her on classic British sitcoms, all of which she nailed even though I was bummed they didn't do my Only Fools and Horses but hey life is life, right?, 🤷‍♂️ so I will be checking in on it for at least a coupla weeks (and certainly as long as Saturday Night Live insists on continuing with their beyond-dreadful cold opens.)

Lovely jubbley bruv, you know it makes sense! 

Podcast Episode Rec

Even as a  lifetime Knicks-hater this podcast is a warm fuzzy blanket of coziness; of course 90% of this is because I love Ed Burns but I also can easily fall for nostalgia when it comes that era of the NBA and as I've mentioned before, why isn't Bernard King narrating documentaries for Ken Burns with that voice?!?!?!???? 🤗😜🤷‍♂️

Enjoy! And yes, you ARE welcome!! 

 

The Arc of Exceptionalism May Bend or Whatever but It Does End

When you look at the current president and his cabinet of 5th-year senior fuckwads you realize that America's history as a country is the personification of the way family dynasties usually go:

Old Man Joe Kennedy: hustled his ass off to build the family fortune
JFK, RFK: brilliant progressives who used the family fortune to try & enact their vision of how to best push the country forward
Their kids: dear god.

Founding Fathers: brilliant statesmen, clearly the best of the best
Every Politician Between the Founding Fathers and 2016: indisputably qualified players with varying degrees of good & bad behavior but all under a presumptive agreement of norms
Trump: dear god.

I believe I speak for everybody when I suggest: 😬

Sometimes I Scare Myself with My Own Genius

Should-be Hold Steady lyric:

"And she said man my only regret in this life
Is never seeing Al Green preach in Memphis,
And then she puked her purple Big Gulp all over new Keds"

PREVIOUS HOLD STEADY GENIUS FROM XMASTIME HERE

Thoughts. I Have Them.

I think the reason I never liked grunge may be that there seemed to be a fork in the road taken by bands who loved the same bands I loved from Minneapolis who'd grown up on a steady diet of shitty metal/classic rock and country; the bands that forged their sensibilities through the musical prism of those Minneapolis bands who leaned more into the shitty metal/classic rock side turned into grunge bands and the bands who leaned more into the country side turned into alt-country bands, which is the direction my own musical sensibilities leaned as well. 

XMASTIME: A Novel

CHAPTER ONE

        As soon as Aaron saw the Amazon package, he knew what it was and tore the packaging apart with primal glee. He held up the blue flannel shirt he’d been desperately wanting for months that now, after saving every penny he made working at the town pharmacy on weekends while all the other kids in school were becoming keg party legends, was finally his. For a split second, if that, he wondered whether the particular shade of blue was such that the other kids at school would make fun of him by calling him “Cookie Monster”, but the thought vanished the moment he saw himself in the mirror.

        “It’s all gonna change for me the second I walk through that classroom door tomorrow morning.” 

 

******

        The next morning Aaron paused outside the classroom door, gathering himself to savor the moment. 
        “Star time,” he whispered to himself before bursting triumphantly through the door. 
        “Oh hey what’s up Cookie Monster?”

THE END

You've Been Warned.

Xmastime Films

PANERA SIP CLUB JUSTICE

Xmastime Films

[TITLE REDACTED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT FROM GOOGLE]

TRIGGER WARNING: This is Some Racist Shit Here, Guys

I don't know for a fact there are no white women living in my building, but I do know this: 

1) for about 6 months now I've been watching a guy who is obviously homeless take advantage of the nonexistent lax security in my building; every time I leave my apartment I see him, and he's seen enough of me to know I'm on to his shit & scuffles away accordingly  

2) one of the three elevators has been out of service for about 2 years now 

There is NO WAY IN HELL any white woman living in a building with these rents would put up this shit, therefore I rather humbly submit my thesis that there are no white women living in my building.

Xmastime Movie Review

I've always thought I loved The Commitments & while the beginning is really great, after a while it just becomes a slog...I mean, right way the band is pretty great to begin with so what was the struggle, exactly? What are we rooting to happen...?

It is a fascinating archive of that weird gross/grey early 90s Dublin (the movie is wall-to-wall "is this person gonna electrocute themselves in a puddle of water with this shitty electrical equipment?"), and the cast itself was fantastic, many of whom went on to better things (not including this waste of a time sitcom I sat all the way through just because of how insanely hot the woman who played Imelda Quirke in The Commitments was.) 

Questions. I Have Them.

With it's endless supply of ridiculous & transient customers mixed with a bedrock of disparate & trapped store employees, how's it possible there's never been a successful sitcom based in a mall? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Wegmans Crowd Waiting for Samples Guy Like It’s Axl @#$%ing Rose

An Unedited Voice Memo I Made with My Notes App While walking Around Wegmans Just Now

The three best family ties episodes ever are the one where Alex and Mallory go to Princeton for his interview besides it just being hilarious it's the closest to British TV that I can think of in the way just starts to collapse upon itself the next one is when I at least tell Stephen she's pregnant at his reaction by itself just Carey that episode the another one is the one of course Alex turns the place and do a hotel just incredible and of course the best comedy drama is the one where he's at the psychologist which can be a little corny maybe but still great and easily some of the greatest just laugh out loud moments and I'm missing one there's gotta be some I think maybe when they first met Nick that's an all-time incredible one and I'm missing I'm missing a big one you don't have to think about the Tom Hanks ones and then when I'm thinking of that I was stalling for was his 18th birthday.

"GULLIBLE", A One-Act Play by Xmastime

INT. WEGMANS – NIGHT 11:26pm

XMASTIME

I have to say, I'm surprised 

I'm not as gullible about some 

things as you'd think.

 

ALSO XMASTIME

Oh, who's being gullible now?

 

THE END

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: just as we learned about muffin tops from Elaine Benes, when ordering a cheeseburger you plan to eat without the bun, don't actually order it without the bun - order it as you normally would with the bun & then remove it yourself, as it's the bun that seals in the heat & flavor that you'll miss out on when the dried-out hockey puck you've ordered arrives.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

In America.

I haven't really mentioned Epstein's Island as much as you'd think before the previous post; however, I can't help but vent about the circular logic that got us here: the people who were sick of the elites being elected to run things stuck it to the elites by insisting that the people who were elite enough to be flown around on private jets to have sex with underage girls be elected to run things.

Incredible.

Please Stop Electing Billionaires Please

I've been quite vociferous in my stance that while I'm not anti-billionaire (I wish I was one) we absolutely need to keep them out of our politics and Epstein's Island is just another one of the million reasons - a lot of the shit that's happening right now may be a direct result of it and I just *have a feeling* that if we elected somebody who was, say, a pharmacist, at no point in their journey would they have been approached with an offer to be flown on a private jet to a secret location to have sex with underage girls, I mean I just don’t think that happens.